Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
All I want is dick and wine.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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