mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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