I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
