My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
