so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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