I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
