I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize