my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
