you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
