Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
