yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
