I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I need a beard to bite.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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