And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I am one with the molecules
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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