would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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