I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
