if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
