I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize