Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
