9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
