walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
just tell him i said nine months
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
