we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
