did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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