I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
