Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
