We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
