I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
