can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
