Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize