she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
