Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize