Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
