Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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