I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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