i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
They are going to name an STD after you.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
