if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
