apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
