Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
