Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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