Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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