I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
