my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
