If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
