Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
