I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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