The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize