When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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