# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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