I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
