me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
