why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
