Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
