Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize