someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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