Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
