Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
