The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
