did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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