My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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