Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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